Keep the children out of the feud

It is common and maybe natural for parents in separation to fight through, about and/or for the kids.

I believe it’s important for both parties to understand that the children are also hurt by the separation and loss of a family structure. They may not be able to express themselves or even take sides because they love both parents.

Often than not one of the parents, most of the time the mother, out of anger, resentment and frustration speaks ill of the father to or in the presence of the children. The issue is not about whether what is being said is true or not. The man whose character may be assassinated is still their father.

He may have proven in your view to be a monster, a liar, and everything undesirable. He remains their father whom they are entitled to a relationship with and are required to honour according to the Bible in Ephesians 6.

The children should not be made to favour one over the other because of an influence from either. They should be allowed to have relationships with both parents while respecting that they are no longer together. Let the children reach their own conclusions without the custodian bad mouthing the other party.

When you do this it will be for the kids and your dignity. As much as you don’t need to explain your side of the story to anyone, you don’t need your kids’ opinions being contaminated by your pain, anger, hatred and bitterness. If you ignore this part you’ll be planting seeds that will bear fruit you won’t enjoy at a later stage.

The kids can turn against you and resent you for trying to block them from accessing their father or giving them your view of him. Remember that they will not be children forever, as they grow they are enlightened in understanding and reasoning. If there is anything amiss about any of you they will pick it up and decide on their own how to handle it.

What if the father is the one who influences them against you? Be concerned about your conduct and words you speak because that’s what you can control. Allow God to vindicate you, that is why you cannot afford to be prayer less during this time. You need strength and wisdom from God more than ever instead of all the voices who want to have a say in your situation.

Do your part and do it so well that you have nothing to regret at the end. No matter how things turn out you should not be thinking “had I not" or "only if”

Healing Tip

1. Allow open communication with the children without allowing a room for judgement to be passed on to either of you. I like a statement I heard from a friend whose niece was told by her mom that “your dad and I are no longer best friends, that’s why we’re not living together anymore” - sounds vague but I believe it was appropriate for the child’s age at the time.
2. Avoid speaking about your spouse or ex in the presence of your children, especially when you are upset. They don’t have to witness your telephone arguments etc.
3. Respect the children and they will return the favour to you. As it said “respect is earned”

Prayer Tip

1. Ask God to help you control yourself no matter what happens. Self control is one of the fruits of the Spirit which the Bible talks about in Galatians 5:22-23. It is only through the help of the Holy Spirit that you can produce these fruits.
2. Pray for the protection of your children: emotionally and psychologically. You may not be able to control what others say about you or their father in your absence but God is Omnipresent.
3. Ask God to help overlook offence, especially when it is intended to poke you and get you to react.

May God help you to be gentle like a dove and as wise as a serpent during this season. He is the ultimate Healer.