Take Responsibility

It's been a while since we interacted. I hope everyone is doing well and that you remain hopeful for your story to change one day. There is no permanent storm, you will rise again and the sun will shine brightly.

I'd like to talk about taking responsibility of the failure, pain or turbulances you faced or still are facing. This is probably the last thing you want to hear: none of us are perfect. As the saying goes "it takes two to tango" - any relationship that fails cannot be attributed to one party.

I acknowledge that I do not know the details of your circumstances and what led to where you are: be it divorce or just being enstranged. What I know is that for any relationship to succeed there has to be a commitment from both parties. The commitment could include compromises and sacrifices; both parties have to be willing to make things work. 

In a situation where a marriage relationship ends in divorce it is not because one party to the marriage is an angel and other is evil. It is likely because there is/was pride, unforgiveness and unwillingness to learn, unlearn and change from either or both of the parties. Everyone wanted things their way. 

I could not heal until I was able to look at everything objectively for me to learn that I also played a part to the mess. I had to "step out" of the relationship as the "victim" and look at Yalekile through someone else's eye. I realised that it would have been difficult for someone to cope with my standards. There were instances where I was unreasonable. There are things I could have overlooked and not overthink them. I could have kept quiet in some cases but like Paul says "when I was a child, I spoke like a child and reasoned like a child"

It does not matter the extent of my contribution to the failure, be it 20% or 2% the truth is that there is something I could have done differently. I am not saying I never did my best but my best was based on what I knew then, my level of exposure, reasoning and maturity or lack thereof.

There could be (others') cases wherein one party bent backwards until they could not bend any further, I believe these cases are in the minority. The late Dr Myles Munroe once said "the best time to prevent divorce is before marriage" and I could not agree more. You need to accept that you can never change another person other than yourself. It is only when you acknowledge that there are areas of your life or character that needs to improve that you will be able to change for better. The change has to be for yourself instead of someone else.  

Healing Tips:

1. Learn not to treat or view yourself as the victim. Be willing to find out what is your contribution to everything. This quest should not be about self-blame but the intention should be to learn and heal. 

2. Do not try to justify anything or gloat about the other party's mistakes, weaknesses and everything else they did or did not do. The healing journey is about you, focus on your inner person - she needs to heal and be well. I learned that the more you talk about the painful stories it is the more you hurt, because there may be comments that make you view the issues in a deeper painful angle than you had experienced.

3. Seek help: professional or spiritual counselling. It is always best to talk to someone neutral, you don't always need someone to agree with you otherwise you will not grow.

4. Your contribution to the failure does not make you a failure, it just confirms that you are human and that you have a chance to grow. 

Prayer Tips:

John 14:14 "Yes ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it"

1. Ask God to open the eyes of your understanding, to acknowlegde what and how you contributed to the failure or the pain. 

2.  Pray that God may help you to forgive yourself and not live in a corner where you condemn yourself forever. 

3. Repent if you have to, only you know what you did wrong or did not do. God is willing and able to forgive. 

4. Ask the Lord to give you the courage to ask for forgiveness from the other party for your role in the failure.